Brad's Brain

Play It Backwards

2008-07-17T09:47:00.018-05:00

Ready to barf up another swimmer

I was recently reminded of an old Joke "What do you get when you play the movie 'Jaws' backwards?"

Answer: A show about a big fish who vomits people until they open the beach.

For no particular reason, I have decided to offer you a number of answers to that age-old (as of a few minutes ago) question:

"What do you get when you play the movie __________ Backwards?"

1. "What do you get when you play the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption' Backwards?"

"I need a rock hammer to repair my cell"

Answer: A film about a guy who tunnels into a prison so he can get gang raped and hang posters of hot babes in his cell. He later leaves and shoots his wife.

2. "What do you get when you play the movie 'The Sixth Sense' Backwards?"

Answer: A psychiatrist's ghost haunts a little kid until some crazy dude in his underwear shoots him.

3. "What do you get when you play the Second Star Wars Trilogy Backwards?"
Answer: Darth Vader Jumps up out of the lava and reanimates Jedi Knights until he becomes a child and builds C3PO.

4. "What do you get when you play the movie 'Juno' Backwards?"

Answer: A fat chick goes on a diet until she's thin enough to have unsatisfying sex with John Cena.

5. "What do you get when you play the movie 'Shrek' Backwards?"

Answer: A female troll turns into Cameron Diaz and annoys the s**t out of Shrek until he decides to give up women and shack up with a donkey.

6. "What do you get when you play the movie "Memento" Backwards?"

Answer: Even more confused.

7. "What do you get when you play the movie 'The Green Mile" Backwards?"

Answer: A prison animates a huge monster who makes people sick until he goes to the woods and rescues two little girls from their porch.

8. "What do you get when you play the movie "Fight Club" Backwards?"

Answer: A guy makes a clone of himself in the shape of Edward Norton and spends two hours pounding the sh*t out him. (Like you haven't drempt it)

"Hit him...you know you want to..."

If anyone has other ideas to round out this list...feel free to comment.

My Take on the Brett Favre Saga

2008-07-15T09:05:00.010-05:00

I don't think just anyone is qualified to discuss the current situation with Brett Favre and the Packers. Such discourse should be left to true fans of the organization...everyone else should just butt out, because they don't know what they are talking about. That said...allow me to present my Packer fan credentials for your approval:

I grew up in Appleton, Wisconsin, about 30 miles away from historic Lambeau field. I attended several games there in the Pre-Farve era, freezing my butt off as the Packers lost ignobly to division rival/prima-donas, the Vikings. In 1992, Favre's first season, I was a student at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. I watched his fist comeback win against Cincinnati on TV, and decided on the spot to attend a game at Lambeau (about 3 hours away). I travelled to their next home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers WITHOUT TICKETS, and was able to score end-zone seats about 5 minutes after the game started.

From the fifth-row end zone, I watched as Kitrick Taylor or, possibly Robert Brooks, caught the first Brett Favre touchdown in a game he started. Packers won the game 17-3. I watched the Packers religiously after that, even after I moved to the Dallas, TX area. (Thanks, NFL Sunday Ticket). I addition to tolerating obnoxious Cowboys fans without succumbing to the urge to machine-gun them in masse, I took my life into my own hands to attend last year's Packers-Cowboys game at Dallas, decked out in my cheese-head and GB jersey. I endured that loss in good spirits, since I though it may be my last oppertunity to see the great One play live.

So, my boni-fides established, here's how I see this playing out. The Packers GM will not survive the perception that he drove Favre to another team, whether its true or not.

Blame for this situation can be placed equally in both camps, as near as I can see. The best solution is the following:

1. Favre agrees to play for 2 more years as a Packer starter.
2. Green Bay Trades a (rightfully) pissed-off Aaron Rogers to Miami for Jason Taylor
3. Taylor commits to two years, Rogers can compete for, and likely win, a starting job
4. Brian Bohm has two years to prepare as "Heir apparent".
5. If Favre is injured (eye roll)Daunte Culpepper is still on the shelf for the asking.
6. Thompson is allowed to continue to live in Green Bay with his genitals intact.

Elegant, huh? I wonder why no one has asked me...?

5 Hot TV and Movie Women Whose Names are Numbers

2008-07-11T18:28:00.027-05:00

I finally have the opportunity to write about whatever I dang - well please. I have guest-written on other blogs, but this one is MINE...MINE...MINE. I've chosen to do a list on a completely random topic. These are the types of things I think about on my long commute to work.

As I was watching House, MD this past season, I noticed that one of the new characters seemed to prefer being known by a number. This got me to thinking, and it turns out that there are quite a few female characters in Hollywood who actually have cardinal or ordinal numbers as names. I have chosen to break-in this new blog by listing five of the hottest, in no particular order. This is the type of thinking that has kept me out of the really good schools.

1. Olivia Wilde: Thirteen from House, MD

When doctor Gregory House (Hugh Laurie)lost his team of fellows, he was forced by his boss to hire new ones. To do so, he hired forty interviewees and began a reality-show-type audition process to select the top three. Each contestant had a number, and until the final six, or so, House would refer to them by number. (He later gave them clever nicknames, like "Cutthroat Bitch" and "Big Love"). One of the finalists, for reasons she never made clear, kept her number as her only means of Identification for the remainder of the season. Whatever her motives, the ploy intrigued Dr. House enough to hire her. It didn't hurt that she was hot...

2. Jeri Ryan: Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager

Beloved by Star-Trek fans, the enigmatic "Seven of Nine" was a member of the Starship Voyager's crew in the series by that name. She was a member of a race called the "Borg", who surrender their individuality to live in a collective. They are slaved to a particular purpose, and most of them have no names other than something descriptive about their function. (this convention was seriously messed
with in a few episodes of TNG and the movies). Anyway, the lovely Seven-of-Nine's original function apparently was to wear spray-on uniforms and wierd junk on her face, while distracting male and lesbian crew members with her unearthly hotness.

3. Traci Helfer: Number Six from Battlestar Galactica

The ubiquitous Cylon from Battlestar Galactica shows up in so many forms and situations in Battlestar Galactica, it would be difficult to summarize them here. Plus, since I don't watch this show, I'd have to refer you to Wikipedia anyway. Nevertheless, she's hot and she's a number, so, she makes the list.

4. Anne Hathaway: Agent 99 from the film version of Get Smart

Sorry, Barbara Feldon fans, since hotness is a requirement for this list, I had to go with the re-make version of 99. In both TV and film, Agent 99 is the competent foil to zany Maxwell Smart. In the 2008 film,she is also a beautiful, sexy cinematic treat. The one on the Right is 99.

5. Uma Thurman as Jennifer 8 from the film, Jennifer 8
Ok, this one may be a cheat, since the character's name was really Helena Robertson, but she was thought to be the eighth victim of a serial killer being tracked in this 1992 thriller. This was before Uma Thurman came to resemble Beeker from the Muppet Show.

Uma: circa 1992

Uma: Today

Well, that's all I got! If I missed anyone, feel free to let me know in your comments!